


drowning in velvet

by seokjinnie (chinchim)



Category: Sungkyunkwan Scandal
Genre: A little, Alternate Canon, Angst, Canon Compliant, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Run-On Sentences, Shitty Writing (BEWARE!), Slow Burn, extremely shitty portrayal of it tho, i think at least uhmm, i'm hinting at yoon shik/sun joon a lil here, like if u squint, word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-07-16 10:19:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7263970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chinchim/pseuds/seokjinnie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The petals fill his lungs. They creep up his throat, suffocating him, killing him so agonizingly slowly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	drowning in velvet

**Author's Note:**

> hey there! so yes, this is my first fic published so it really means a lot to know what you think about it. please do leave comments! 
> 
> so yes, this is going to be one of the several fics about the Hanahaki Disease, but i do know that i think i haven't expressed it as well as i would have orz. please kill me if you have to.
> 
> i have messed with the timeline for the story to better fit my visualization of the whole thing so please understand. not everything will be going according to the canon!
> 
> if you have seen the tags, i should let you all know that i'm not joking in the least about shitty writing. proceed with caution. 
> 
> have fun!

There was no other pain that contested to what Gu Yong Ha was feeling at the moment.

He felt the smooth stem of the flower tighten, squeezing his lungs. The sensation of drowning was what he felt at that moment – drowning in his own emotion.

He cursed himself when he felt the velvety object reach the back of his throat, only solidifying the fact that it was true, he had fallen in love with him.

Yong Ha looked at his palm, where the three petals of white have landed. They stared at him, mocking him, telling him just how fragile and utterly _stupid_ he really was. He then felt a tear graze his cheek, not only from the pain of the disease but also because of this one fact:

Mun Jae Shin did not love him back.

***

Keeping the fact a secret did not seem to be a big problem to Yong Ha, seeing as he had no one to room with. Excusing yourself to use the bath room was simple enough. The only thing that really did pose as a slight threat was when he had to talk with other people, much more Geol Oh himself.

It was only with the presence of Jae Shin did he feel the stems and the branches threaten to make his lungs burst, making the petals rise up his throat. Every warm glance, smirk, and even every snort made him feel like dying even when it used to make him feel warm.

The whole thing was terrible really.

It was every night when he let all the petals out of his lungs, let them fall on the floor. He found it cruel that they were surrounding his room, scattered everywhere. It was as if his feelings for Geol Oh were also scattered everywhere for anyone to see. 

At every thought of Geol Oh, he found himself coughing up more and more white petals (of Magnolia, he recognized at some time). At the sight of each petal at his feet or in his palms, he felt even more pain.

He let out more and more. 

Every time he saw Jae Shin with Yoon Shik, it was as if the disease only became worse. 

(He had already had the inkling of the thought that Geol Oh had inevitably had fallen in love. He had already read enough and seen enough people act like that to know when one was in love. Even though he knew all of that, his feelings stayed. He was _still_ persistent.  He was 

just 

so 

fucking 

 _stupid_.) 

At every look of love he saw Geol Oh give her (he was affirmative at this point, Yoon Shik was a girl), at every involuntary hiccup he let out whenever they would be oh so close, he felt his lungs giving out on him. 

There was no more use of that porn Yong Ha secretly had stashed in his room (as if he really read them anyway). There was no way to fall out of love. 

It really was hilarious, he realized. How could the ever infamous Yeorim, playboy, who has experienced making love to most of the gisaengs in Moran-gak, be in love with someone, much less a _man_. What only sealed he joke was the fact that it was his best friend. 

He wanted to die.

He was going to get his wish sooner or later anyway. 

***

He dreamt about flowers pouring down on him, drowning him, suffocating him.

The funny thing was that he made no move to try and prevent them from doing so. 

***

It had been almost two weeks already since he started vomiting petals.

Each trip he had to the bath room only had him expelling more and more petals. He found that each time he felt the velvet slip through his tongue, he found himself thinking only more about Jae Shin.

The disease, he found, was cruel that way.

He knew he was getting worse, little by little. He felt it. Hour after hour, he felt the stems tighten by just a fraction. That effect would only be doubled when he saw Geol Oh, much more if he saw him with Yoon Shik.

He knew that he could only experience what it truly felt like to be able to breathe once again if he got Geol Oh to love him back, just the way he wanted to be loved. The disease wanted him to become selfish.

He has always wanted Geol Oh to be happy, to live his life with no regret (even if that meant letting him go out every other night in a dangerous endeavour). It was never his place to force upon him anything that wouldn’t do those things.

If that happiness meant loving someone else (and that someone else being Kim Yoon Shik), then so be it. 

Even if that meant Yong Ha dying, so be it. 

Only then did he find how terrifyingly in love he was. 

***

“You worry too much about Kim Yoon Shik,” he said teasingly, suggestive smile on his face. “It’s as if you two were dating.”

He saw Geol Oh’s cheeks turn pink, which only made the stems tighten. It made those growing thorns pierce him. 

“N-no, we aren’t,” Jae Shin replied, much like a blushing virgin.

Jae Shin then hurriedly changed the topic to their lesson a while ago with Professor Jung, and Yong Ha smiled all the way through their conversation, only looking at him.

No matter how much it hurt to have his lungs squeezed as if they were fucking _fruits_ , he still couldn’t bring himself to hate Geol Oh, or even try and avoid him. It was a mistake on his part, but his heart said otherwise.

Geol Oh, he noticed, looked so ethereal under the sun. It was as if he was made just to bathe under it. Just the way the light accentuated the sharp angles of his face, in contrast to Yong Ha’s soft features, made him think that the world really was made to harbour such a man like Mun Jae Shin.

They talked the day away, catching up to what each of them were doing. Geol Oh shared his night time anecdotes of when he and the other two kept on cracking jokes, and when he was pushed to Lee Sun Joon’s side because of the wide space that Kim Yoon Shik takes when she sleeps.

Yong Ha also shared what happier things have been happening in his life, like watching Byun Choon and Go Bong making complete idiots of themselves trying to catch a chicken for some god forsaken reason.

He was saying something about the time that he heard two drunk men trying to pick him up because they thought he was a lady when he finally got Geol Oh to genuinely laugh.

His eyes were crinkled up, smile stretching all the way to his ears, looking at Gu Yong Ha as if it was he who made him the happiest man in the world.

He wanted to save that moment forever in his mind.

Only once inside his room did he feel how tight the stems have gotten, and how sharp the thorns have grown.

He let out more Magnolia petals today than any other day, reminding him that he was as hopeless of a romantic as the next man was, looks be damned.

It was fucking silly how he let Geol Oh into his heart like that, make him just _hope_ and _suffocate_ just thinking about what it would be like to have him in his arms, to just make his heart beat as wildly as his was.

The petals substituted as tears for that night. 

***

Lee Sun Joon was never a man to go against propriety (as he learned through the painstaking irritation that it brought), but whenever he did, there seemed to be a great purpose for doing so.

That was what he learned when the said man in the middle of _his_ room, pacing back and forth like a mad man.

After the shock and amusement of what was happening, Yong Ha learned that the other needed to talk, and why would Yong Ha say no to that?

“So are you saying that you like men?” Yong Ha said, smiling mockingly.

Sun Joon became speechless, as if this wasn’t the topic he wished to dive into. It was astounding how he was so smart, yet couldn’t figure out Yoon Shik was actually a woman. She even had her bleeding every month, but no one would even think to ask about why she needed mountains of fabric.

He laughed at Sun Joon’s inexperience with love. Before he knew it, he opened his mouth.

“I’ve felt that feeling before,” he said honestly, voice softening a bit. “With...Geol Oh,”

Sun Joon looked at him at the eye then. His gaze seemed relieved, surprised, and also curious. He was thankful of the fact that he was strong enough to hold back the coughing fit today.

“But alas, I have this in my hands,” he said, pulling out one of his _special_ and putting it right in Lee Sun Joon’s hands. “It takes all of my worries away.”

 Sun Joon looked at the book as if it was his saviour. They exchanged a few more words (and something really profound even came from Yong Ha’s own mouth) before he left.

He then looked at the ceiling, then at the covered corner where he swept up his petals before he could properly dispose of them.

He hoped that he wasn’t that transparent.

***

Gu Yong Ha knew what he expected to happen when he sent both Lee Sun Joon and Kim Yoon Shik alone together on that island, but he didn’t expect this.

He felt the blood trickle down his lips, all the way to his chin. He felt his heart sink deep, and his smile flicker for just a moment. He knew how much love Mun Jae Shin harboured for Yoon Shik, but this kind of reaction only solidified it even more.

He looked back up at Mun Jae Shin, who only looked furious. It was just painful how not one bit of regret was on his face. Yong Ha didn’t realize how this could merit a reaction that severe.

“You really do worry about Kim Yoon Shik that much, even now,” he said, realizing that this wasn’t the first time he had said something like this. “It’s almost as if you two _are_ together.”

Though the other did twitch at his words, in his face there flashed no sign of regret, nor empathy. It was a sight to behold.

Saying those words really did leave a bitter taste in his mouth, and a tightening pain in his chest, but he made sure to keep his face just as it was a while ago. The petals could come out later. He _needed_ them to come out anytime but now.

He didn’t really recall clearly what Jae Shin had said, but he picked up a few words that made their mission clear enough. Those words were ‘boat’, ‘island’, and ‘man’.

He didn’t even see where he was going at first, feet merely taking him in the opposite direction of Geol Oh, but he knew that he didn’t want to be seen by anyone.

Yong Ha tucked himself in a dark alleyway, and there he let the petals fall at his feet. He felt his heart clench whenever he threw up another pile, out of pain emotionally or physically, he was not quite sure.

It was truly _fascinating_ how Geol Oh could make him feel all kinds of pain at the moment, but Yong Ha still hadn’t found it in himself to hate the other for it.

He replayed the memory he kept close in his mind, the only comfort he could think of at the moment.

The velvet texture of the flower reminded him of the vague memory of Mun Jae Shin’s skin.

It also made him realize he wouldn’t be able to touch the velvet texture of that skin freely.

As if Jae Shin would let him now, or ever, really.

He felt the tears drip out of his eyes in the minutes that he spent in that alleyway, deserted. He expelled the flowers freely, letting them spill between his fingers.

Ah, he was really pathetic.

Wasn’t he such a coward?

But had Gu Yong Ha been anything other than that? 

***

It was a few days after that incident when he had woken up and found his petals beside him, soaked in blood.

***

“I wonder when I would be able to see you fall in love,” Mun Jae Shin said, staring directly into Gu Yong Ha’s eyes. There was a playful smile playing at his mouth, which made Yeorim’s stomach do flips, which the thorns pierced his lungs.

Yong Ha laughed at that, eyes crinkling. “You never know,” he said innocently. “I might be in love right now, but you just don’t know it.”

His heart ached at how much he was giving at this point, but still, Geol Oh was just so dense.

“I know that you’re not in love now,” the Hong Byeok So said as a matter-of-fact. “You’re not coming to me to whine all about it, or even asking for some vague advice.”

He slapped his arm playfully, a half laugh escaping from his lips this time. “Oi,” he said. “I’m romantic enough for myself, thank you very much.”

Jae Shin just nodded slightly at that, eye brow raised as he took another swing of soju.

“Even though you won’t get the pleasure of seeing me in love,” he started. “I know very well that I am.”

As he said the words, Geol Oh choked on his own drink. He laughed seemingly whole heartedly at that, but he felt the stems around his lungs tighten at the confirmation.

“Kim Yoon Shik and I are just _friends_ ,” he said after recovery. Even though his cheeks were already a light shade of pink a few minutes ago, now they were full on the shade of a cherry.

“Your whole face says otherwise, Geol Oh,” he said, face full blown in a smile.

The petals were making their way up his throat, but they could wait. After all, nights like these where Mun Jae Shin was with only him came as a rarity.

The burn of the alcohol down his throat was a welcome sensation.

It was as if he was letting the petals inside of him catch fire. 

***

Whenever the two of them could be together alone and free from their two friends, it was as if there was three of them there.

The talk mostly consisted of Kim Yoon Shik this, and Kim Yoon Shik that. It was a tear in his heart (he was also sure that it was a tear in his lungs as well).

Even though that may have been the case, the way that Geol Oh lit up when talking about her and all of those fascinating things she did or said was just something that he couldn’t let pass. The smile of his face when she could be brought up in a conversation was one that Yeorim hadn’t seen before.

Even though he felt more pain each day remembering those conversations, he still made the effort to put out his ear.

If Geol Oh was happy, then that would be the best thing in the world.

***

Gu Yong Ha awoke not in his bed, and not on the hard ground that lay beneath his feet when he fell, but in the private wing of the infirmary.

He felt weak this morning, the urge to expel the petals there to wake him up. He coughed weakly, catching the magnolia petal in his palm.

With that petal coming out, he remembered how weak and tired he felt in the previous night, thorns seeming to be piercing his lungs at every breath and making it hard to breathe. Most importantly, did he remember the part where he fainted on the ground.

He didn’t notice the presence of another person in his reverie until Lee Sun Joon cleared his throat.

He looked over to where the sound came from, only to find his fellow scholar sitting in the chair beside the bed. His eyes were looking at him calculatedly, a trace of worry in his gaze.

“You know now don’t you, Garang?” he asked, voice scratchy. Sun Joon handed him a glass of water before responding.

“Yes, I do,” he said meekly, eyes still on him. “How long have you been keeping this from us?”

“About a month already, maybe a month and a half,” he answered, making himself sit upright. The water made his throat feel less dry, and seemed to push down the petals as well.

If Lee Sun Joon had brought him here, could that mean...

Yong Ha’s eyes grew wide, the realization waking him up fully. “Please don’t tell me the other two are here,” he said. Even though his voice still seemed weak, he knew that Sun Joon registered the alarm that was in his words.

He shook his head, offering his senior a smile. The stems at his lungs seemed to relax, but they only grew tighter when he thought of Geol Oh there by his side instead of Sun Joon. He imagined him taking care of him right now at this moment, holding his hand, speaking words of encouragement.

He helplessly coughed up a few more petals.

“You know that I want it to stay this way right?” he asked. “Only you knowing my secret?”

“Yes, I know,” he said. “But I really do oppose of your decision,”

Yong Ha smiled a little at his concern. “I’m Gu Yong Ha,” he said as brightly as he could. “I’ll be alright,”

“But senior –“

“You know who these are for right?” he asked quietly, opening his palm and showing Sun Joon the petals.

Lee Sun Joon stared pointedly at the flower. If Yong Ha tried, he could see the gears working in his head.

“Magnolia petals,” he stated. “They have been said to symbolize dignity,”

He smiled at how the information about everything could be found inside Garang’s mind. He could even ask him about anything as trivial as why urine was yellow and he would answer regardless.

“They are sold in flower stands throughout not only Banchon, but also further,” he continued. “They are clearly loved by many, but I think only one of those people are the ones causing you discomfort,”

Yeorim nodded, clearly impressed by how fast Garang worked it out. He wondered if he were really that transparent even without the petals giving enough out.

“Mun Jae Shin, if I am correct,” Sun Joon said softly, as if the mention of his name would only make Yong Ha cough out more. That wasn’t what happened, but he did feel the stems tighted at his lungs as he saw an image of Geol Oh flash in his mind.

He let out a tear, feeling a thorn pierce deep into his lungs. Another batch of petals came out of his mouth before they spoke again.

“I know you’ve seen the way he looks at Kim Yoon Shik,” he said, casting a knowing look towards Sun Joon who was avoiding his gaze.

“But I also know the way you look at Kim Yoon Shik,” he said, realizing that he may not be the only one.

With those words, Garang finally meets his gaze. They look at each other once again in silence before he coughs.

To only his surprise, nothing comes out.

Even though he feels a pang of jealousy in his heart, he smiles. It seems as if Lee Sun Joon isn’t alone.

“There’s hope for you Garang,” he said, finding Sun Joon’s hand so he could clasp it.

He only wishes it would have been the same for him. 

***

He began to feel weaker through the following days, legs not as strong as they were.

Every breath seemed to be strained; every inhale only let his lungs be pierced once again by those thorns. 

It seemed to take a lot out of him these days.

***

He worried about Mun Jae Shin each day, knowing that Lee Sun Joon wasn’t throwing up flowers like he was.

Whenever they were together, the four of them, he always kept a watchful eye towards his best friend. He made sure that he saw no sign of him acting up just like Yong Ha was. He also noticed the watchful eye that was trained on him by Sun Joon.

His watchful eye never strayed, even if that meant secretly watching him talk to Kim Yoon Shik, the same look of love in his eyes each day.

He knew that the thorns and stems only grew as he did that, making him feel like dying each and every day. Even so, he needed to know that Jae Shin wasn’t suffering just as he was.

***

He hated how stupid Geol Oh was. He also hated how hot headed the bastard was. The only thing that he hated more was the fact that Gu Yong Ha read him too well that he knew what was going to happen tonight.

Yong Ha was standing in front of Jae Shin, dressed in all black, crouched in front of him.

“Where are you going now, Geol Oh?” he asked playfully, as if he really didn’t know where his own friend was going.

Geol Oh straightened himself from his crouched position, now looming over Yong Ha. He wasn’t wearing a mask at the moment so it was easy to read the worry that was on his face.

“If you’re looking to gamble, I’ll be your match,” he suggests. “If you’re looking for a drink, I have plenty of liquor in my room.”

Jae Shin scoffs at his words, actually believing that Yeorim is actually that dense. “You’re no match for me, Yeorim,”

Just as Jae Shin was about to walk away, he clutches his shoulder tight. Geol Oh then stands in place.

“Do you think of me as an idiot, Mun Jae Shin?” he said, words coming out of his mouth steady, but cutting like daggers.

Jae Shin still didn’t speak to him, standing still.

“Do you think I wouldn’t know that this is a trap?” he asked, a laugh leaving his lips.

Geol Oh turns to face him then, surprise in his features. “You?”

Another laugh is released, as he feels the tears stinging his eyes. “What kind of friend would I be if I couldn’t recognize your writing after ten years, huh?”

He tries to leave again, but this time he finds his way blocked by Yeorim.

“Don’t go,” he says helplessly, pounding his fists softly on Geol Oh’s chest. “Aren’t you afraid of _dying_?”

He turns to look up at Geol Oh, whose expression seems to show bitterness.

“What life is there to live anymore if I don’t go?” he asked, eyebrow quirking up.

At those words, he feels a big blow in his chest, the stems seeming to tighten more and the thorns piercing him deeper once again. His anger has been boiling in his veins and he doesn’t think twice about socking Jae Shin in the face.

The punch is loud but it doesn’t seem to have left any visible mark on his face. He then pulls Geol Oh close by the his outer wear, almost nose to nose.

“What am I to you then?!” he asked, voice raised a little. He feels a tear slip down his cheek, but he doesn’t care about that at the moment. “Am I really that insignificant that you wouldn’t think about what would happen to me?”

With his own words out of his mouth he laughs bitterly in turn. He pushes Jae Shin away forcefully, tears now slipping one by one. He could also feel the petals rising slowly, but abundantly.

“Go then,” he said, only half meaning his words. “Go live your life as you _fucking_ wish.”

Instead of doing as he’s told, Jae Shin looks at Yong Ha squarely, not leaving his position.

“Did you really think I would let the truth that my brother surrendered his life for,” he starts off slowly. “Get tarnished by some bastard who’s making me a thief, arsonist, and _murderer_?”

Gu Yong Ha sees the pain in Jae Shin’s eyes, so raw and so pure that he looks away, letting more tears fall.

“Once I clean up the mess that I made myself,” he said, taking a few strides towards Yong Ha. “Only then would I be able to live my life again.”

He puts a hand under Yeorim’s chin so that they could meet eye to eye. “Don’t worry,” he says softly. “I won’t let them touch even a hair.”

With those last words (possibly the last words he would ever say to Yong Ha), Mun Jae Shin leaves to fulfil his duties as the Hong Byeok So.

Yong Ha watched as the silhouette of the love of his life was shrinking. It hurt how he had just let him go.

If he had looked back, he would see how Gu Yong Ha laughed bitterly.

If he had looked back, he would have seen how broken Gu Yong Ha looked.

If he had looked back, he would have seen how Gu Yong Ha weakly led his feet to his room.

If he had looked back, he would have seen how there lie a trail of pure white magnolias, all stained with tears.

***

Jae Shin had a funny way of returning with not one of his hairs being touched. He kept to his word, but what came instead was a big gash on his chest.

It was terrifying watching the doctor treat him, since he wasn’t sure if the treatment would even suffice seeing how pale he had become.

Once Geol Oh had been transferred to his room, he thought that the worst had passed, but that wasn’t exactly the case.

When they had figured out that Ha In Soo was about to inspect the rooms of the students, the stress had only started to build up.

He had Kim Yoon Shik and Geol Oh stay in the closet where he usually kept his risqué objects and in turn, but them behind a curtain. He was sure that that was enough to hide what he needed to hide.

In that stress, he also forgot that he had something else that needed to stay hidden.

As planned, Ha In Soo came with a few of his minions to search the place.

It wasn’t long until they found the flowers hidden in his actual closet.

They all stood silent as they saw the pile that had accumulated for the week. I almost took half of his closet already; a way he knew that he was only getting worse. It would only be in a few days until he would feel unfit to go to his classes.

The Jangui looked at him, a smirk forming across his face. “May I ask why there is a mountain of flower petals inside your closet?”

Gu Yong Ha felt cold all over when In Soo looked at him, but he had to keep his composure. “You know that I always think innovatively,” he starts, a smile forming in his face but he knew that it didn’t quite reach his ears. “I thought that they would make the room smell better.”

After a second of looking at him quizzically, he nodded towards the two men, who then began to tear the whole tower of petals down. As expected, there was nothing there.

It only took him a few more minutes of acting until he saw the look of dissatisfaction colour the Jangui’s face.

He turned back from where he was facing Yong Ha, and once again saw the petals strewn across the floor. After a few more minutes, he saw In Soo’s back loosen. Yong Ha saw him give some sort of signal to his minions, and then they were there in his room alone.

“You and I both know that those flowers aren’t there for their fragrance, am I right?” he asked, as if he didn’t know the answer himself.

Suddenly, Yeorim’s throat felt dry and he gulped. “What makes you say that?” he asked innocently.

Then, Ha In Soo turned to face him, a knowing smirk playing at his mouth.

“It would only be a matter of time until the fragrance those petals produce will end,” he said. “It would be best if you took it out.”

With those words only the two of them in this room would understand, the Jangui leaves.

He heaved a sigh, relief flooding his veins. He looked around his room which was trashed thanks to In  Soo and began cleaning up the mess that was made.

He made sure to tuck back the flower petals back to where they were. He should throw them out already.

Once everything was in place and the two had come out of their hiding, he took one real good look at Jae Shin once again.

There was sweat cascading his tanned skin, mouth parted to let out forced breaths. His eyebrows were pulled together in pain. Gu Yong Ha really wished he would be able to kiss the pain away.

The stems tightened again.

They exchanged a few words to each other, the three of them thankful that their Geol Oh had come back alive and kicking.

Impulsively, he took Jae Shin’s hand in his and brought it up to his face. He still smelled like sandalwood and grass, and it made him smile on his palm. He closed his eyes, taking the ever present warmth on his hand in.

Once he opened his eyes, there was a meaningful silence that was hanging over them. Jae Shin’s eyes were locked with his, a small smile forming on his face. That was enough for him to feel happy, regardless of the petals which were making their way up his throat.

“Give me back my hand, you bastard,” Jae Shin said, no real malice in his voice. They smiled at each other, just drinking each other in. After a few minutes, Geol Oh’s gaze landed on Kim Yoon Shik, who was also smiling down on his face. Yong Ha let his friend’s hand fall from his grasp (again).

There he saw Jae Shin look at her with so much love and care in his eyes, while he was weak to her touch. Yoon Shik continued to slowly stroke at his short, damp, unruly hair, and Yong ha felt a spear go through his stomach.

He excused himself from the scene, only partially acknowledged by the two.

He knew that Geol Oh looked at him differently. He knew that when Geol Oh looked into his eyes, there seemed to be nothing more than the love one could have for a _friend_. When he looked into Kim Yoon Shik’s eyes, it was as if he could see the whole galaxy in them.

It made him choke.

It made him feel like utter _shit_.

It made him throw up more petals in the bathroom stall.

***

He was beginning to sport a high fever these days.

He could barely even read anything on whatever book that had been shoved in his face. The characters were no more than a blur to him.

The way he walked made him look drunk. About two teachers had already asked him if he was intoxicated, to which he reasoned them out with a very simple no.

It would be only a few days until his legs would give out on him.

It was pathetic. He was pathetic.

***

“You could always fall out of love, senior,” Lee Sun Joon suggested. He placed a cold, wet cloth on top of Yong Ha’s forehead. He clearly saw the worry that was present in his fellow scholar’s eyes.

He laughed bitterly then, coughing out more petals. They lay at each of his sides. He was sure he looked like a corpse in a bed of magnolias. He vaguely wondered if he would die like this, only his one friend by his side when he wanted it to be Geol Oh.

Thorns pierced his lungs at the thought, and he coughed out more petals, now dotted with blood.

“If I could,” he started. “I would have done it by now, wouldn’t I?

“If I wanted to, I would have done it before it became this bad,” He continued. “I know that there are no side effects when it comes to losing this love, but I’m just too selfish don’t you see.”

He then felt the tears cascading down his cheeks as he felt more of those damned petals make their way up. Sun Joon stared at him then, but there was understanding in his eyes.

“I wouldn’t have this any other way,”

Garang stayed by his side that whole night, while Yeorim continued to throw up petals.

***

Yong Ha had been bed ridden since God knows when. The fatigue not only spread in his legs, but it seemed as if it also did in his whole body.

He didn’t eat since it seemed like too much of a chore. He also had a hard time sleeping, the petals were just going out of him as if they were the air he had to exhale. It was very much hell.

Lee Sun Joon still visited Yong Ha every day, even if it was just short. Having him as an ear to let out all of the raw emotion that coursed through his veins was enough before, but now it seemed was not so much.

He should have expected that his absence would merit someone going inside his room, who was anyone other than the Noron.

He wasn’t even aware of her presence until a gasp echoed throughout the room.

Weakly looking at the door, he saw that Kim Yoon Shik stood there, basket in hand with the other covering her mouth. With the shock, he could see that she was almost as white as he was now.

“Senior!” she said, rushing toward his side.

He laughed weakly at her concern, seeing as he knew that she was the cause of this (but it would have happened regardless of her presence). He felt a hand touch his forehead and it retract, just as fast as it got there.

She looked around the room, seeing all of the petals that littered the floor. She then looked back at her senior, gears in her head seeming to rotate just as she figured out what was wrong.

Yoon Shik knelt beside his head then, stroking his straight, long hair. “Who is it?” she asked in a hushed voice, even though there was no one around and they were alone in a closed room.

He laughed to himself, finding it in him to be happy that he wasn’t at all an open book (that, or Kim Yoon Shik was just really dense). He looked at her in the eyes then, and he knew that the question was in all ways genuine. She was actually clueless.

“Geol Oh,” he said. He surprised himself when he spoke, not knowing how soft and scratchy his voice has gotten from the sad lack of use (other than silently screaming in the night over and over on why it had to be this way).

Even just by saying his name now, he couldn’t control how his heart would pulse, and how the flowers could make their way out of his mouth. Yoon Shik made him sit somewhat uprightly then, and rubbed circles on his back.

Sometimes, when Sun Joon did the same, he would think about how a part of hi wanted Mun Jae Shin see him in this fragile time of his. It made him want Jae Shin to be the one taking care of him.

In the short period of silence that was present when Yong Ha seemed to stop coughing, he looked into the girl’s eyes. He saw that they were rimmed with tears that were threatening to fall out, the sadness and pity evident in her eyes.

Even though it seemed as if Kim Yoon Shik was the one making him feel this shitty, he couldn’t bring himself to hate her. The inevitability of it was one thing (her being the first girl he’s seen in seemingly a decade), but her attitude in itself made it hard for anyone to really harbour such negative feelings. Ha In Soo was one who definitely didn’t seem to think the same.

“Senior -,”

“If you’re going to say something about me trying to fall out of love,” he said. “Then please don’t continue.”

Yoon Shik fell silent then. She kept on rubbing circles on his back.

“Did you even try to make him love you back?” she asked. She stared directly at him then, a flicker of anger now present on her face.

He scoffed at that suggestion, rolling his eyes. “I don’t want to make him suffer,” he said. “Especially with how taboo the whole homosexuality thing is now.”

Before she could protest and say something about how unfair the government was or anything of the like, he spoke.

“After all,” he started weakly. “Do you see the way he looks at you?” he said, smiling a little bit when he remembered how happy Geol Oh looked.

More petals came out.

The hand on his back stilled for a moment. When Yeorim then craned his neck to look at the girl, he saw taht there were tears falling down her cheeks.

He sighed then, bringing a hand up to wipe at her face. “Don’t put the blame on yourself now,” he responded, hearing the broken fragments of what she was saying between hiccups. “I’ll be alright. I’m still Gu Yong Ha.”

Those words did not stop her crying, but he saw that they were enough to bring a smile on her face.

Kim Yoon Shik stayed with him until dark, providing him warmth in the cold of his room before surrendering himself to sleep.

***

“You know that Geol Oh’s getting curious about you,” Lee Sun Joon said, bringing water to Yeorim’s chapped lips.

Kim Yoon Shik then nods in affirmation. “He’ll come visit you sooner or later,” she said.

“You’ve been telling him that I just need space, right?” he asked, heaving in a breath. “He’ll respect my decision.”

A silence spread upon them then, the two busy making sure that their senior was alright enough to survive. It really was nice how they cared about him this much.

The two have been coming together since that one night when they visited simultaneously by accident. It seemed to make Gu Yong Ha’s chest feel a little bit lighter when there was the company of two instead of one.

He longed to return to the days when it could be the four of them once again.

Another wave of petals came out of his mouth then, just at the thought. When had be begun to grow this weak?

“Are you sure that he isn’t coughing up flowers as well?” he asked, eyes flickering between the two.

“Please worry about yourself first, senior,” Sun Joon said, gaze straying from any possible eye contact.

He squinted his eyes at the man, coughing slightly. He then looked towards Yoon Shik, who seemed to find something very particularly interesting toward her left.

With their silence came his answer and he mustered all his strength to stand up and make his way to the room where the three of them stayed.

***

Even if they were only a few rooms apart, the way there seemed to last for years. Each step he made seemed to be as painful as his chest. It was as if he was walking on hot coals.

When he finally reached the door to the room, he toppled into it, legs giving out from underneath him.

As he looked up from where he fell, he saw that Mun Jae Shin had woken up from his sleep and was sitting upright, looking at Gu Yong Ha as if he was a mad man. He looked around him and saw that there was no trace of any kind of flower in the room.

He was played.

At that moment, Yeorim wondered about what he looked like. He was crouched down on the door way, long hair loose from its (formerly) usual bun, in his undermost wear.

He looked like a total fool.

Yong Ha looked at Jae Shin properly then, and he was not ready to do so he found.

The pain shot into his heart at the tenfold as he saw that face in person again.

He drank in the sharp angles of his face, from his cheekbones down to his jaw line. The bronzed skin that Yong Ha always admired under the sun was even more beautiful in the moonlight. His every unruly hair was as treacherous as before but it mad Yeorim feel ever so light.

The flowers rose up rapidly and escaped his mouth just as fast, falling onto the floor. If there was no evidence of the disease before, then there sure was now. The only difference was it belonged to Gu Yong Ha.

Before Jae Shin could even speak a word, Yeorim was lying there on the wooden floor.

***

“So, it’s because of this gisaeng Hye Rim?” Geol Oh said, the irritation and anger laced to the words as they left his mouth.

Yong Ha chuckled at how seemingly mad Jae Shin was. “Please say her name with _some_ affection, Geol Oh,” he said, voice brittle.

“All that’s in my mind is how I’m going to make her pay,” he said, eyebrows furrowing.

He laughs at the other’s expression. “She’s a _woman_ , Geol Oh,” he said. “How do you plan on doing that?”

The other just shrugged in response, going back to reading his book.

It had been three days since Yeorim had stumbled into the trio’s room like an idiot and fainted just as he did. Ever since seeing him in that state of fragility, he refused to leave Yong Ha alone with anyone, even the apple of his eyes herself, Kim Yoon Shik.

It had taken all of his convincing just to make the other two keep quiet about the fact that it was really Jae Shin who caused Yong Ha’s state, but it had worked out in the end. After all, what could be solved with just telling him the truth?

Now it was the time for the field trip to god knows where and Jae Shin had refused to join. It was touching really.

He turned to his side, wanting to see his friend rather than the barren ceiling. “What’s that?” he asked, resting his head on Geol Oh’s shoulder to get a better view of what he was reading.

He only got a glimpse of a few characters before it was closed abruptly. If he wasn’t mistaken, he thinks he saw a shade of pink creep up his neck.

“Yah, Mun Jae Shin,” he said teasingly, a playful grin creeping up his face. “What didn’t you want me to see?”

“It’s just about the shitty Japanese traditions and the like, why?” he replied, words coming out rushed one way or another.

He laughed lightly at his friend’s inability to lie when it came to Yong Ha. “By the way you closed that book so fast, I wouldn’t know,”

Just as he visibly gulped, Yeorim snatched the book out of his hands, leaving Jae Shin with his mouth opened wide. Flipping through the pages, all of his thoughts were left blank at what was before him.

“Never knew you were that desperate for love, Geol Oh,” he said, amusement numbing the pain of the thorns at the mention of love.

At that, Jae Shin repeatedly opens and closes his mouth, looking for words that weren’t there. “Th-The plot seemed interesting,” he surrenders, avoiding any possible eye contact with him.

He was once again reminded of what made him fall in love. He suppressed the flowers.

“Well, if it really was _that_ interesting for you to read it diligently,” he said, placing the book back into the other’s hands. “Then read it to me.”

The taller peered at him for the corner of his eye, making sure that the request wasn’t to milk anymore embarrassing facts about him. On the contrary, Yeorim genuinely wanted the man to read to him. After all, his voice was one that could calm down a rabid dog if he had the chance.

Geol Oh scoffed once again, adjusting his position so that Yong Ha would have a comfortable enough position on his shoulder.

Just as he was about to flip to the page he was most recently reading, Yong Ha put his hand on the other’s despite himself. Geol Oh sent a quizzical look towards the other and before he would be able to blush, he spoke.

“Start from the beginning,” Yong Ha said, half paying attention to the characters written on the paper. “There I’ll be able to know what’s going on.”

Jae Shin just smirked at the request, rolling his eyes. “Aish, demanding,” he said. Though those may have been his words, he obediently flipped through the pages onto the first.

The sound of Jae Shin’s voice echoed throughout the room, clear and just loud enough for only the two of them to hear. As Yong Ha read the same pace as he spoke, it was comforting and enjoyable to say the least.

Every other minute or two, Yong Ha would criticize Jae Shin for not saying the dialogue or monologue with the correct emotion, or he would joke around if he put too much into it. Even though he was borderline annoying with the constant interruption, Geol Oh didn’t vocalize it, nor made it known. Instead, he acted upon each request (even though he may have been unwilling at first).

Gu Yong Ha fell asleep like that, head tucked in Mun Jae Shin’s shoulder. He fell asleep while listening to Geol Oh’s voice soothe him from the impending dream that would come sooner or later.

As he closed his eyes, he had no dreams that night.

***

“I never knew your morning breath was _that_ bad,”

“Shut the fuck up, Yeorim,”

***

Geol Oh rarely left the room if it was not with Yong Ha, or if it wasn’t for any other concern that was centred on him. Even showering was skipped every now and then.

As it would still be about a week the two would be coming back and the whole campus to be filled up again, he cherished the silence for as long as he could (at least the silence of the bastards who regularly caused the trouble in their school life).

He barely noticed that the petals that came out of his mouth were decreasing in quantity.

He and Jae Shin were there, snuggled up comfortably against each other. It had become an unspoken habit between the two of them now. Yong Ha was making no more going against it.

“So what made you fall in love with Hye Rim?” Geol Oh asked, seeming out of the blue.

Yong Ha’s shot up wide at the question, throat suddenly dry. He coughed into his hand, out of words.

At the sound of a cough, Jae Shin rapidly looked toward Yong Ha, fear in his eyes. When nothing came out, he felt the taller man exhale and relax.

“It’s fine,” he started. He made his voice sound pained and sad, as if it was actually a story that came from his memory, rather than something just made up on the spot.

“Well,” he started albeit awkwardly. _How was he supposed to do this?_

“We always met up whenever I would go to Moran-gak,” he said, he didn’t know where these words were coming from, but he let them flow regardless. “I guess I never knew it but she became a close friend in no time.

“We spent a lot of time together really, me telling her my life story, and vice versa. Soon we started talking about a lot more things rather than just some awkward small talk and fore play, really,” he said. “I-I don’t know but, something seemed to change soon.

“I started to do something more rather than just the talking, and maybe y’know,” he continued on thoughtlessly. “I saw her in a different light I suppose. She started to seem more beautiful, and well, I don’t know really.

“Before I knew it, she had her eyes on another,” he stated, now unconsciously rubbing circles on Jae Shin’s chest. “She never said it but I knew. The way her face would light up and the way that she would talk about them said a lot. Before anyone knew, I got this,”

Jae Shin stayed quiet through the whole fake story, breathing even. Yong Ha craned his neck up from where it lay on the other’s chest. He saw that Geol Oh’s gaze was looking at something to the far corner of the room.

“Do you know that it sounds too fucking cheesy?” Jae Shin finally said, breaking the silence. He brought his gaze back so that it could lock with Yeorim’s and put on a lazy grin.

Yong Ha laughed, not noticing the absence of the tight flower. “Aish, it’s my love story you criticized,” he joked, eyes crinkling.

“It could even rival that book I was reading to you,”

“Let’s not go that far,”

They continued to laugh and joke until they fell asleep, a mess of tangled limbs.

Neither of them made a big deal with the fact that the room wasn’t littered with as many petals as it would regularly be. After all, since Geol Oh came, the number has always been this low.

***

“Aish, you drool a lot don’t you?” Yeorim asked, wiping the stain that now designed his innermost wear.

Jae Shin only chuckled seeing the look on Yong Ha’s face. “Well, taking care of you isn’t exactly an easy job,”

He only huffed at the response. He cast a glance at the recently awoken Geol Oh, and he felt his mouth dry a bit.

The other’s eyes were droopy still, clouded with sleep. It was as if he was trying hard not to make them drop. His hair was in an even worse mess than it would regularly be. It was really troubling as he speculated that there would be more than a few tangles in there.

What _really_ made Yong Ha’s mouth water though was the fact that Geol Oh’s chest was _exposed_. With the view, he could see multiple scars on his chest, marking him and making their own unique pattern. Most importantly, he could see the hard muscle and pectorals that Yong Ha _should_ have already known, considering the things that Geol Oh is known for.

It took all of his will power to tear his gaze away, much less make his mouth water.

“It seems as if you’re getting better already,” he remarked. “Even without that bitch’s kiss or whatever.”

“That foul language,” he said, shaking his head.

Geol Oh sat up, now sitting across Yong Ha. “You’re getting over her?”

“It seems so Geol Oh,” he said, letting the not-so damp cloth fall from his fingers. “Are you surprised?”

The other shrugged, looking somewhere else. “It’s just that before I came,” he said. “You seemed to be in such a devastating shitty state,”

Yeorim arched an eyebrow up. “So?” he asked. “It may just be you’re exemplary nursing skills, Geol Oh,”

“I just find it hard to believe that you can recover relatively this fast coming fast,” he commented. “And I don’t think it’s very _Gu Yong Ha_ to give up on so-“

“Can we just be happy that I’m getting better?” Yong Ha interrupted, partially knowing where Jae Shin’s train of thought was headed.

He also couldn’t tell why the petals were getting fewer, or why the dream stopped coming, or even why the pain was fleeting. The answer was something he wasn’t really ready to accept at his current state. All he could really do was just be thankful that it was going away.

There was a strained silence that was present after, accompanied by tense eye contact between the two.

“I want to go outside today,” Yeorim said, steadily getting up from where he was seated, happy to have equilibrium once again. He did a few stretches, satisfied by hearing the pop of his vertebrae and a few other bones.

Jae Shin looked worriedly at Yong Ha, as if what he was suggesting was riskier than his activities as the Hong Byeok So. “Are you sure?”

“I think I’m getting some tub on me, Geol Oh,” he replied truthfully. “I want to be as thin as I was back then for my own sake.”

Completely absorbed in choosing what to wear (after all, it was his first time going out in ages; he wanted to looks as good as he did a few weeks before), he barely noticed Jae Shin creep up behind him.

“You know, Yeorim,” he whispered, voice low and gravelly. The taller’s breath brushed against the shell of his ear, causing shivers to crawl down his spine. He then felt a hand slither around his waist. “A little more meat won’t do any harm.”

He felt the air and words escape him, too focused of the fact that Geol Oh was pressed flush against his back. It wasn’t the same suffocation as before with the flower, but it seemed to be worse than that. He gulped subtlely, hoping that the Hong Byeok So wouldn’t notice.

“What would _you_ know about fat, Mun Jae Shin?” he asked. He shrugged, trying to get his head back to choosing his garments for the day.

The man in question chuckled, hot breath once again brushing his ears. He could now feel Geol Oh rubbing circles slowly on his abdomen. _What was breathing again?_

“I can’t believe you don’t remember those days when we were younger,” he said. “I faintly recall you ridiculing me for being too pudgy.”

He puffed out a breath, those memories now running through his mind. He also recalled the image of Geol Oh being too cute with his full cheeks. It wasn’t good for his mental state at the moment, smiling from ear to ear at the thought.

“I swear,” he said. “If you’re looking for revenge today, I’ll shoot you with one of your arrows up your ass.”

“Will you really though?” the taller asked, burying his head in the nook of his shoulders. His mouth was pressed against Yong Ha’s skin and he found it a little hard to repress a shiver.

He shrugged, as if to get Jae Shin off him. “Aish, what a nuisance,”

He felt Jae Shin’s head move. “I like this one,” he said, durumaji in between his fingertips. It was his bright yellow one, the one which had various swirly things decorating the fabric. “Looks the best on you.”

“Does it, Geol Oh?” he asked, craning his head to take a peek at the other man.

The other withdrew from their contact, taking the chosen durumaji. “We’ll see after you take a bath,”

Yong Ha threw his gak at the other.

***

Though there were some beads of sweat dripping down his face, Yong Ha didn’t feel any fatigue from all of the walking they did that day.

Geol Oh on the other hand flopped onto the grass as if it was a bed, panting. He couldn’t help but smile at the image. He nudged the other lightly with his feet, to which he did swiftly.

Yong Ha was now sitting with Jae Shin’s head in his lap, stroking his slowly dampening hair.

“How did you find today, Geol Oh?” he asked, smiling down on the other.

It took a few loud breaths until the other gave a coherent enough answer.

“It seems as if you gained just as much as you lost then,” he deadpanned, to which he earned a slap on the ear. He only laughed at the response.

“This kid,” he said, looking in front of him to the now setting sun. “Remember who paid for that food.”

Geol Oh only snuggled closer to Yong Ha’s stomach, laugh causing his flesh to rumble. It was a welcome sensation really. He hoped that the taller just wasn’t looking since he was sure that he had the expression that was the epitome of love. He couldn’t imagine how pathetic he was.

He coughed his fourth round of flowers that day, making sure to face away from his partner. It was a blessing really that he could count them.

One of those stray petals ended up in front of Jae Shin, and the man looked at it closely.

“She also favoured magnolias?”

Jae Shin’s words were laced with something that he was familiar with, but couldn’t really put a finger on. It wasn’t a new kind of tone to Yong Ha, remembering that he used it only used once before: when he discovered that his brother had died. It was unusual to hear it there.

“Apparently so,” he answered with his voice soft as he was still lost in his own thoughts.

Yong Ha was looking at Jae Shin now. For some reason, he looked so small when he was curled up in his lap. It was sending a warm feeling all over his body. He continued to run his fingers through the mess that was the other’s hair.

“Do you even put anything in your hair when you shower?” he asked, amused.

The other huffed, peeking one eye open. “Only when it’s an important day,” he answers nonchalantly, as if neglecting personal hygiene on most days wasn’t that big of a deal.

“Yah!” he said, retracting his hand by a few centimetres. “You should wash your hair more often! Here I am combing it without any knowledge of what might be living in there.”

“Fine, _mom_ ,” he said, waving a hand above him. He then shuffled in Yong Ha’s lap, turning to face the horizon in front of them.

The setting sun was really beautiful, especially from this elevated view. The tones of the sun were highlighting Jae Shin’s skin, making him shine. His cheekbones were casing shadows on his cheeks, his nose doing the same. Just how beautiful he could be scared him a little bit.

 Unconsciously, Yeorim had reached out a hand and stroked the outline of the other’s jaw. He even surprised himself with the action, but Geol Oh made no move to make the other get his fingers off his face. The only sign that he even acknowledged the touch was when he felt the other’s breath hitch.

 With that, he turned the other’s face so that he was directly looking at Yong Ha. There, he caressed Jae Shin’s cheek, marvelling at how soft it seemed to be. He let his fingers stroke the other’s cheekbones, the underside of his eye where there were eye bags forming, his chin, and even the underside of his plump lips.

Even though these touches may have been done so many times just to tease, it seemed so new to Yong Ha. He never touched Jae Shin’s face just for the sake of it, just to really feel and see how perfect he was. It was something that let him feel so soft to the core. He could only think that Jae Shin knew that too, but still, he only watched as Yeorim did so.

He now looked into Geol Oh eyes, wanting to know what the other felt about this. He knew that he was expecting fear, or even disgust, and maybe a little bit of curiosity but what he was met with was not really what he expected.

It was not disgust that filled his eyes, but a certain softness that Yeorim couldn’t explain once again. There was a small tug at the corners of Jae Shin’s lips that slightly crinkled at his eyes, and that made him even more beautiful. It was like seeing Geol Oh in a new light, really.

What he really didn’t expect was when Jae Shin covered his hand with the other’s bigger one, and it made Yong Ha’s cheeks flush (but he was thankful for the warm glow that the sun gave; it was his cover). He then started rubbing small circled on the inside of his palm, so chaste. Even those small action’s by Geol Oh sent Yeorim reeling.

He didn’t even dare question why Jae Shin was even doing this, letting Yong Ha do what he just did. This was possibly a moment that Geol Oh wouldn’t want done twice, so it was better to cherish it while it lasted.

Now that thought sent a pang of pain against his chest, but he pushed the petals down.

With him buried so deep in his thoughts, he didn’t notice when Jae Shin had taken their hands of his face and twined them, right in between the two of them.

Feeling the sudden flow of warmth around his hand, he stared owlishly at their hand clasped together. He looked down at Geol Oh, and noticed that he had a warm smile on his face, reaching up to his eyes. He couldn’t help but smile as well.

Like a child, Yong Ha swayed their hands from side to side, laughing under his breath. He couldn’t even help the bubbling joy he felt when he heard Jae Shin do the same.

It was really stupid how either one of them could be content in only holding hands, even though he knows they have done the same before. Once again, he felt that this touch was different from the rest.

They stay like that for a while, grinning like idiots at something so irrelevant as hand holding. It seemed to come as a new low for them.

“Why are we so happy with just this?” he asked, more to himself than to Jae Shin.

The other shrugged in his lap. “Not sure,” he answered, eyes still fixed on their twined fingers.  When Jae Shin’s gaze turned to Yong Ha, the other puffed out a laugh. It did things to his heart when he saw that.

They hold on to each other until they sleep, bodies close and wrapped around one another.

This was enough for Yong Ha, after all this seemed to be part of his “get better” program. Even if it were to last until tomorrow, he would be satisfied with this.

He would only have to hope that the petals won’t be back.

***

Yong Ha stirs when he feels something on his face.

He puffs a breath out, hoping that that insect or whatever would just fly away. It doesn’t.

Already stopped giving a fuck in half a second, he nuzzles closer to his pillow. Or at least what it was supposed to be.

Yeorim tenses up once he realizes that the object he’s pressed against _isn’t_ the soft pillow filled with duck feathers that he just recently bought. He opens one eye, still groggy with sleep.

There he finds Geol Oh, face flushed and hand frozen, a small distance away from his face.

He can’t help but smile at how embarrassed Geol Oh looks at the moment.

“Morning, honey,” he said teasingly, nuzzling even closer this time.

Even though he couldn’t see it, he knows that Jae Shin just did a double take at his words. It was just satisfying to wake up to this in the morning.

Being brave enough, he let his hand travel along the bare expanse of skin that was Geol Oh’s chest. He knew he was going to hate himself for this later, but he was going to enjoy it before that would happen.

He let himself feel every inch of skin there was to feel on Geol Oh, just feeling how the other shivered underneath his touch. With every move of his fingers, he saw that the shade of red was beginning to grow darker than it already was. Well, Yong Ha was also.

It felt so good to feel how firm and solid Jae Shin was. What was even better was the fact that he wasn’t shying away from his touch.

From his pectorals, he made his way down to his abs, and even lower where he was already feeling the arches of his v-line. As every touch sparked a new fire inside of Yong Ha, his mind began to cloud, only doing what felt right.

He flipped Geol Oh over to his back, now straddling him – just to tease him a little more (and of course for personal reasons). Beneath him, he felt that the other was taking deep breaths, making a strained noise in his mouth. It was just making Yeorim go a little insane (how did Jae Shin do that?).

With the change of angle, only then could he fully appreciate what he was exploring only a few seconds ago. Now he was reminded of the scars that decorate the canvas that was Jae Shin’s chest. He reached out a hand and appreciated each one.

With his sudden desire to drink in Geol Oh at the moment, he looked up at the other, making sure that the other was somehow on board with this. He was greeted with such a sight.

The other’s head was lying flat on the wooden floor, eyes meeting not Yong Ha’s eyes, but somewhere far off to the right. His hands were balled up tightly by his sides, knuckles turning a shade of white. Now he saw that it seemed that he was flushed all over.

It sent warmth pooling into Yeorim’s core.

He bent down, lip touching Geol Oh’s ear. “Are you okay with this?” he asked, voice low and husky.

He felt the other shiver once again once the words had escaped his mouth. “Ye-Yeah, sure,”

With that, Yeorim seemed to feel a little braver than he already was, and let his mouth hover over Jae Shin’s neck. His warm breath was hitting the other’s flushed skin and he knew that Geol Oh was enjoying it to some extent.

He didn’t know why, but he was enjoying how seemingly undone he was making the other.

 Moving his hands up, he thumbed at Jae Shin nipple, eliciting a gasp from the other. He drank those sounds in as he continued to toy with whatever was in front of him.

The more he touched and heard, the more it fed the fire in his core. It was making him go _insane_.

He never knew he could get this kind of pleasure out of someone like Geol Oh – someone made up of rough edges that weren’t at all like a woman’s. It was a new experience from him, and it was making him mad.

As each moan grew heavier, the more the lines became blurred with pure lust. Stupidly, he wondered if Jae Shin felt the same.

Without any thought put into it really, he began mouthing at Jae Shin’s neck. He bit the soft skin roughly, and with that Geol Oh gave out another moan. He closed his eyes then, just inhaling the moment altogether.

It was when Geol Oh began to hold him that he finally made some noise. Just by his simple touches, Yong Ha was already being thrown overboard with his feelings.

Soon, Jae Shin was breathing erratically. His hands were gripping Yong Ha so firmly that he was sure they would also be leaving marks.The bit of pain just encouraged Yong Ha to touch him more, to tease him more, and to suck more marks into the already marked skin.

Neither of them expected it when Jae Shin climaxed.

A heavy cry escaped Jae Shin’s mouth, while he shuddered beneath Yong Ha. The sudden wetness that was on his leg was enough to explain what had happened.

Yeorim didn’t really know how to feel at the moment.

They stayed like that for a few more minutes, a pregnant silence hovering between the two of them. It was only their heavy breaths that could be heard echoing through the walls of his room.

Without any warning, Jae Shin pushed Yong Ha away from him, fleeing from the room. He didn’t even care to bring anything with him on the way out.

Without any word, without any meaningful touch, he left Yong Ha again. This time, there were no explanations.

It made him feel the pain travelling through his veins once again. This time, it was the one that was clouding his vision.

Mun Jae Shin probably hated him a lot now.

***

Geol Oh ran.

He didn’t know where he was going, he didn’t know who he was running to, and shit he didn’t even know how _fast_ he was going. All he knew was the fact that he needed to go away and _run_.

The feel of the wind rushing against his skin was refreshing. However, the feel of it hitting his wet crotch was _not_. The stares of the people watching him run as if he was attempting to break the sound barrier was also an unwelcome feeling.

Before he knew it, his feet were running across uneven ground and he found himself in the middle of his field.

Once he sat down (more like plopped down, really), he felt the sweat now dripping onto the grass. It was truly exhausting running away from your problems.

He stared at the sky, just too out of his mind to really pay attention to what he was looking at. He exhaled a breath, puffing out his cheeks. The morning had started off not the way he planned.

He knew that Yong Ha had just gotten out from a heart break that was fatal. He knew that once you had that disease, you could get over it, or let the person love you back. He knew that Yong Ha was probably still so hung up on those feelings, and that he was trying to find someone to lay them down upon.

That candidate had been no one other than himself.

He knew that Yong Ha may have done it as a joke, but there was some part of Geol Oh that hoped it wouldn’t be.

He never really new why, but those touches sent fire running through his veins, sent his breath out of his mouth faster than anytime else. It made his brain shut down and go _wild_ on the inside. However, the feeling of Yeorim’s lips marking his skin was making him go overboard (and he did).

It was as if he _wanted_ everyone to see that he belonged to Yong Ha. He unconsciously touched his shoulder, where Yong Ha had taken his time making the bites bloom into purple spots.

Now that he was thinking about it, he remembered the sensation he had then – the sensation of wanting Yong Ha’s lips to travel places _other_ than his shoulders, or his neck. One example of that place would be his lips.

The truth now dawning on him, it was terrifying him bit by bit. It was the fact that wanted Yong Ha to see every inch of his body, mark it, kiss it, let Jae Shin know that he belonged to someone.

He knew that he was feeling lust at the moment. It was something that Jae Shin never thought that he would feel this year.

Aside from that, he found himself craving another thing.

He didn’t know why, but their touches recently – the chaste ones, the ones that were so soft and fluffy – had been making him go as wild as he was then (at least on the inside).

The way that they would fall asleep in each other’s arms since it seemed to soothe Yong Ha made his heart almost leap out of his chest.

Those mornings after also did things to his heart. Seeing Yong Ha sleeping peacefully on his chest, shoulder, or a few millimetres from his face just made him want to see that view more. Made him want to caress Yong Ha’s face, feel the soft skin that made the man so _beautiful_.

He never knew when it started, but he started to see Yong Ha as someone who rivalled the beauty of flowers, even those magnolias that escaped his lips every now and then. His smile was so bright that it rivalled that of the sun’s. His body was so warm it challenged the steam of the hot spring. His touches were so soft that they seemed to win over the softest pillow in the world.

He wanted to experience the beauty of Gu Yong Ha every day. 

The time when they held hands in this exact field made him smile so wide and made his insides turn to mush when Yong Ha seemed to do the same.

Even if they had physical contact almost every day, some making him feel softer than others, this one was different. It was as if there was so much more emotion to it that neither had conveyed. Call him delusional, but his heart knew it to be true.

He never knew why, but he doesn’t think that he seemed to feel this way with Yoon Shik. It was strange.

Ever since they were children, seeing how fragile Yeorim seemed to be, he made a vow to protect him. He remembered that whenever they would venture into the woods to play, he would always be in front of Yong Ha, holding his hand through the whole trek just to be sure that the other wouldn’t fall and scrape his own knee.

Whenever Yeorim had cried then, he would be there to wipe the tears, hugging him tightly if he ever needed it. He wanted to see Yeorim happy (even if it meant going to Moran-gak every now and then).

The time when his hyung had died, it had been rough for him – rougher than the mountains and untame seas. When Yeorim had done the same with his tears, it was enough for him to pieced back together, little by little.

When he heard that Yong Ha was planning to study in SungKyunKwan along with Geol Oh, he was terrified at the idea. The fact that he knew that he wasn’t of noble (enough) descent would make him seem lower than everyone else there, which meant that he would be made an outcast.

Even through the whole argument they had about it, Yong Ha stayed strong to his stand. He knew  how the students there could be, how ugly they truly were, but he wanted to stay by his side, protect him.

That day, Geol Oh realized how much Yeorim was growing emotionally (his fists are still as small as they were then). It was such a moment for him.

From their co-dependency, they began to grow more as individuals, and Jae Shin was happy with that.

After looking back, he realized that he really did care deeply for Yong Ha. Even though they had grown to be their own person, he would never find it a day if he didn’t have Yong Ha – his shadow, his partner – by his side.

He knew that Kim Yoon Shik was quite the woman, so brave yet so delicate, it was just out of this world not to fall for her. Even though that may have also been the case for Geol Oh, he never really did feel how he did when he and Yeorim touched, seeing Yong Ha smile, seeing his beautiful figure right beside him chatting about something that Jae Shin was only half paying attention to.

His infatuation may have been mistaken for it, but he knew that it wasn’t that. 

He never really felt the kind of love one did have with anyone other than Gu Yong Ha.

He knew that his feeling had come late, seeing as to how far he had looked back to see where they seemed to have stemmed from. He also knew how his feelings were going to affect both of their lives.

He realized that his now-known feelings may be unrequited.

He knows how these thoughts are post-coital and may just be there just because he was aroused, but he knew that there was sincerity to those thoughts. It was scary.

He now knows that he loves Gu Yong Ha, and he leaves the soul searching at that.

He lets himself lie down on the grass, closing his eyes.

How hopeless was he if these simple enough feelings were only found out after years?

***

He knew that he was overreacting when he did this, but he really didn’t give a shit.

He looked back again at the mostly empty room, heaving a sigh. It was for his better judgement anyway.

He walked forward, nodding at the official who was stationed at the doors. He stepped forward, a small bag slung over his shoulder.

It was only for a few days anyway. Since his attendance was already fucked to hell already, he figured that they would understand. It was just to try and clear his head. He knew that no one would be worrying.

***

Once he stepped foot inside his own room, he coughed out the petals – the first ones for the day.

He fell to the floor with a _thud_. Seeing them today made his knees fall weak for some reason.

He couldn’t even begin to describe how pathetic and stupid he was.

His father had found it surprising that he had arrived back to their home, but seeing how Yong Ha looked, he decided to just let his arrival be. He was thankful for his father not caring, really.

He let the cold wooden floor embrace him. He let it comfort him from the sudden sadness that clouded his thoughts.

He reminded himself of what occurred just a few minutes ago, how Jae Shin had come onto him then just leave abruptly. It offended Yong Ha in all honesty, made him feel used really.

What was he to Mun Jae Shin? He knew that he was the one who held the title for being the other’s best friend, but he was also sure of the fact that best friends didn’t get each other off.

He now felt the utter humiliation of what he had just done.

What the _fuck_ had gone in his head that morning?

It was the first time that Yong Ha was ever regretting pleasuring someone. It was a new kind of low for him.

He never knew if he pressured Jae Shin into it. The noises that seemed like moans in Yong Ha’s head must have been cries for help; what sounded like grunts of pleasure must have been due to disgust. Why was he this blind?

Jae Shin would never look at men that way. His happiness wasn’t in his hands, nor the hands of any other man. He knew that it was with women. He knew that his happiness _had_ to lie with women.

All of their touches and heart warming moments that had happened in the last week all felt like hallucinations now. He believed that he was too drunk with his love that he saw all of those actions and perhaps even words to be just made up in his head.

Maybe Geol Oh never really gave him those looks of fondness. Maybe Geol Oh never held his hand with such care and love.

Maybe Geol Oh never really enjoyed being by his side.

Why was his head so set on being gullible at these times? Why was it so easy to believe that _maybe_ Jae Shin shared his feelings? _Why was he so set on getting hurt_?

It was pathetic. He was pathetic.

It was all stupid. He was the embodiment of stupidity.

Why was this so _difficult_?

Touching his face he felt a slight wetness that came from his eyes.

 _God_ , was he pathetic.

He wanted to die.

***

Mun Jae Shin had never really frequented Moran-gak, finding neither use nor intention to go here.

The streets were littered with lights and desperate men who followed the call of the various gisaengs who waited outside their doors. It was such a sight to see – how gullible men could really be.

He would consider spreading some propaganda here from time to time.

Once he entered the Peony Pleasure House, he saw dozens of women lounging around, watching as the men tried to win them over. Some of the others did their job the easier way.

He heard giggling somewhere to his left. Looking, he saw that there were three gisaeng lounging on a sofa, eyeing him. He raised an eyebrow, and they only giggled some more.

 _At least they had their eyes on him_.

He approached the three, to which they weren’t really shocked by. It was a shame.

“Is there anyone named Hye Rim here?” he asked, bending down to meet the other’s ear. They giggled at his movement.

 _What the_ fuck _was with these gisaengs and giggling?_

“Yah,” the one on the right called. “You’re Mun Jae Shin, right?”

Slightly taken aback by his recognition, he nodded nonetheless.

Once they had heard the affirmation, they burst into laughter. Jae Shin was only left there to stare, infinitely confused by what the three have been finding amusing.

“You’re just as he described!” she said, eyes crinkled from the hilarity of what seemed to be happening.

He arched an eyebrow once again, still in the dark about what was happening. “Who described?” he asked.

“Who else do you think?!” the other exclaimed, face broken into a smile.

It was either how dense he was, or how lost in the conversation he was that he couldn’t find an answer to her question. From a simple inquiry about someone named Hye Rim, how did it get to this?

“Anyways,” he said, raising his voice a little to catch their attention. “Do you know someone –“

“Named Hye Rim, yes, yes,” another interrupted, waving her hand in front of him. “She’s over there, latched on to the pudgy ahjusshi.”

He then left, leaving the three to their inside jokes. A little disoriented from how messy the previous conversation was, he made his way to the other corner of the room.

From afar, Hye Rim seemed like a beautiful woman. Her blue outfit hugged her figure nicely, emphasizing her hourglass figure. Her hair was put up much like the way all of the other gisaengs did their hair, but the accessories that decorated it seemed to draw more attention.

Coincidentally, she turned around, revealing such a youthful face. He seemed to get why someone like Yong Ha would fall for someone like her. He found it to be blameless, in all honesty.

They caught each other’s eyes, a flash of recognition seeming to come across her. It was weird how some of the gisaeng here seemed to recognize him without being a regular customer. It game him goosebumps.

Without saying anything, nor gesturing at her, she nodded in his direction. After speaking a few words to the ahjusshi she was with, she made her way to where he was standing.

Up close, her face seemed to glow. She was breathtaking in all ways. He wondered if she was one of the most requested in the building.

“Mun Jae Shin?” she asked, although it seemed like she already knew the answer well.

He nodded, lips pursed. Hye Rim smiled at him.

“Believe it or not, I’ve heard quite much about you,” she said, leading him to a private room. He stiffened a little bit, thinking that she might have gotten the wrong idea.

Feeling him still, she rubs her hand on Jae Shin’s arm. “Don’t worry,” she reassured. “I know what you’re here for,”

It did not reassure him at all.

Once they had settled themselves in the private room, she poured some tea for the both of them.

“You are here to ask about Gu Yong Ha, right?” she asked, sneaking a glance at him.

_How much did she know about him exactly?_

“Uhm, yes,” he said. For some reason, he felt as if this room was a little too deprived of air. “About Yeorim.”

She only smirked, shaking her head a little. “Before you yourself bombard me with questions,” she said. “May I ask what made you come to me for advice?”

He looked down at his hands, fiddling his thumbs. _How could he not sound like a goddamn fool while saying it?_

“Uh,” he oh so eloquently started. “I just thought it would be best to see the perspective of an –“

Seeing the way Hye Rim was looking at him – how much she didn’t want to hear that 50% concentrated bullshit – it made him stutter.

“Fine, you just seemed like the one who was closest to him aside from me,”

Satisfied with his answer, she flashed him a smile. She put down the porcelain teapot, which made a resounding _ring_ in the room.

She then perches her head in between the palms of her two hands. “So what was Yong Ha bothering you with?” she asked, blinking her eyes exaggeratedly.

Geol Oh found it really pathetic that he had to ask someone about Yeorim, but he had to suck it up. Their _friendship_ – or whatever the fuck kind of label they had _now –_ seemed to be very unstable. He would do whatever really to keep it, even talking to the bitch that seemed to have no idea about the state she had put him in.

He now felt the urge to choke the bitch once the confusion in his brain had worn off.

Even though the topic of the disease wasn’t what he came here for, he would want to know just a little bit more coming from her perspective.

“Did you know that Yeorim loved you?” he asked, voice sounding calm for someone who now thirsted for blood. “Did you know that Yong Ha went through fucking _hell_ because he loved you? He fucking _threw up flowers_ for you?”

There seemed to be an edge to his voice that made Hye Rim lean back, retracting herself. She squinted, mouth ajar.

That seemed to be a big fat _no_.

“Gu Yong Ha loved _me_?” she asked, as if those words didn’t once cross her mind. “Are you sure of what you’re saying, Mun Jae Shin?”

“Oh, I’m not really sure of what I’m saying,” sarcasm leaking through his mouth. “I mean, those _hundreds upon hundreds_ of petals on the floor aren’t saying _anything_ at all.”

She seemed to o a double take at his words. She furrowed her eyebrows, eyes flicking back and forth.

“It’s just that,” she looked at him then, taking in the anger flickering in his eyes. “You –“

“I what?” he interrupted. “What have I done?”

She remained silent; she tried to process what seemed to be happening. Her face seemed to say that it made no sense at all.

“Are you sure he wasn’t joking?” she asked. “Or even using that as an excuse instead of the truth?”

He laughed at her words. “How much more of the truth do you fucking _need_? You caused him so much _pain_ , and that’s enough of an explanation for me.”

She only stared at him incredulously, as if what he was saying still wasn’t adding up. It was something to be concerned about really.

The silence between them spread on for a few minutes, until Hye Rim opened her mouth again.

“With the way he talks about you,” she said slowly. “I would have thought otherwise.”

That makes his ears twitch, gaze flickering to hers hurriedly. He doesn’t know exactly why his interest seems to peak at that, but it does.

“What _does_ he say about me?” he asked, slightly taunting.

She looks at him then, drinking in what must be the undoubted confusion in his face. “Well,” she started, slight grin on her face. “Whenever we were together, he would never stop talking about you usually.”

Geol Oh feels himself flush at the words, but keeps his expression stoic.

“On most days, to start off the conversation it would always be ‘Geol Oh this,’ or ‘Jae Shin that’” she continued. “I probably have your life story memorized at this point.

“I didn’t really mind that, the way that he would talk about you, but soon I began to see it. The way he talked about you, eyes alight and full of happiness and admiration,” she said. “It was as if he were talking about a _lover_.”

His eye twitches at those words, soul jumping.  Smiling wider at his reaction, she resumed.

“Even though we would make love later on, I got the feeling that he really did have strong feelings for you,” she admitted. “The kisses that we may have shared didn’t seem to have the love that you so claim they should have had – not that I am that familiar with it.

“His touches were never the ones that seemed to come from someone who had those feelings for me,” she said. “And the way he looked at me only held what would be the sympathy of a friend.

“Soon he even started dropping even more signs about it, and soon it was the talk that some of the gisaengs here live for,” she laughed. “They usually called it: The Seemingly One Sided Love Between Two Men. Just how forbidden it seemed really reeled them in.”

She laughed a little bit more, remembering how they talked and squealed about it, always asking Hye Rim more about what he had said or done.

“Before he stopped coming to me, I may have joked about him fancying you and the look on his face was just shattering,” Hye Rim said, grimacing. “It was like his world had crumbled all of a sudden. Even though he played it off pretty well, he seemed to have this feel to him the entire night.

“From then on, I didn’t really know what happened to him, but I just thought that it was because I took my joke too far,” she finished, lifting a cup of tea slowly.

“You may reconsider what you are accusing me of here, Mun Jae Shin,” she said, voice serious. “I do know more than you thing regarding this matter.”

He gulped loudly once she was done, taking in and processing what she had just said.

Had Yong Ha really talked about _him_ to these people? Did he seem to be the way he was when he _was_ talking about him? Had they really made Yong Ha’s stories into what seemed like a _romance novel_?

His heart very literally fluttered at all of those thoughts clogging up his mind,

Just how many questions seemed to go around in his mind, but there were only two that seemed to echo in his mind over and over again:

Did _Gu Yong Ha_ really possess feelings for him? Was he really the one to cause him all that _pain_?

He currently felt like going to where Yong Ha was ad just hugging him, apologising over and over, but he couldn’t really think straight. He didn’t know exactly why, but it seemed as if his mind had just stopped thinking altogether.

“Is that all you came here for?” she asked, arching up her brow.

In his haze, it took him more than a minute to respond. “I don’t think so,”

“Then ask me,” she said.

“What do I do now?” he asked, absolutely dumbfounded. It was like he was there and not at the same time. His brain was turning into watery rice at the moment but he couldn’t do anything about it.

Hye Rim looked at him at the moment, seeming to be amused beyond her expectations.

“Go to him,” she said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

He didn’t waste a second as he left the room, going to wherever he thought Yong Ha was.

***

Yong Ha was busy counting his petals when he heard the sound of his door opening.

Before he could even turn his back, he was being dragged to the wall my two firm hands on his back.

He couldn’t even register the pain when he felt his body go cold when he saw who was pinning him there. It was Geol Oh.

They just stared at each other then, the sound of the other’s breathing filled the silence that was in the room.

Jae Shin looked like he had just run a marathon, sweat pouring down his face, even the tips of his hair were drenched in it. In the dim light of the room (only one candle was lit), he shined. His lips were parted, which let out warm breathes in between the not so far space in between the two of them.

One of his hands was supporting him on the wall, while the other was settle on Yong Ha’s hip. Even this simple touch sent fire to his veins. How doomed was he?

“Geol Oh,” he said, though it came out as more of a question

The other looked him in the eye, not quite coherent it seemed. “I went to Hye Rim tonight,” he said, and it sent a jolt through him.

His eyes went wide, mouth a little dry. _If he went to see Hye Rim,_ he thought. _How much does he already know?_

“A-and?” he asked, although he knew what could be coming out of Geol Oh’s mouth at the moment. He avoided Jae Shin’s eyes, afraid of what emotion might be in there.

_You are so disgusting. I don’t think I can continue on being friends with you. I don’t know how to handle this, but I think our separation would be best. You fucking homosexual, what the fuck do you think of me. How in the world do you think I could fall in love with you after that? Do you think that I would want to ever be together with you? You fucking lied to me about those flowers so I could find this out myself? Those petals are telling you too much of the truth already, why won’t you just die and believe them?_

“You love me?” he asked instead, voice coming out softer than ever.

Yong Ha looked at the other closely again, astounded to see that he didn’t look murderous, or even the slightest bit angry. Instead, there was the ever expected confusion, and even the slightest bit of hope. He wondered why that was there.

The look that Jae Shin was giving him now was so soft, that he felt himself go weak for some reason.

Knowing that denial could do nothing, he only nodded his head slightly.

“Even now?” he asked, met with another nod.

“Even if I caused you that pain?” he asked, disbelief coating his words.

He didn’t even think twice about nodding. It was amazing how his feelings had stayed strong and unwavering through the disease that even now he could say yes with no hesitation.

A few more seconds of silence spread on between them, the other’s breathing had died down. If he tried hard enough, he swore that he could hear how fast his heart was beating.

Before he knew it, he felt a hand slither around his waist, pulling him close. Jae Shin’s other hand crept under his chin, tilting Yong Ha’s head up from where it had been hung low.

He was face to face with him then, the distance between their faces only millimetres apart. There was a ringing in his ears then, the silence roaring.

“You love me?” he said once again, voice barely a whisper. His eyes were now brighter than ever, lips pointed up.

This reaction was so much different than what was expected, but it sent warmth spreading throughout his body. Just the way that the other was holding his frame like he was made out of porcelain, his touch and words spoken so soft made his heart bet erratically.

It was too different from the hard punches and harsh words that had gone through his mind.

“I love you,” the words came out of his mouth before he could even think about doing anything else.

Jae Shin’s face then broke into the happiest smile that Yong Ha had seen since, a small laugh escaping him. It made his eyes crinkle, and the well hidden dimples reveal themselves. He looked at Yong Ha like he was the only thing in the world that could make him happy.

Seeing the other this happy after heating those words made his heart cramp up and loosen all that once. He felt like was wanted to cry at how big the other’s smile was.

“I love you too, Gu Yong Ha,”

Now _that_ made him cry.

He felt the tears slip from his eyes before he knew it, face breaking into a smile at the same time. It was just surreal how he felt at the moment.

The thorns inside him released their hold on his lungs, no longer piercing him even the slightest bit. He no longer felt whatever petals, no matter how few, creep up his throat. His mind was no longer clouded in doubt and sadness and it made him feel _free_.

He couldn’t stop the tears from flowing out of his eyes. Just the knowledge that he was loved by the person who he also loved even more than life itself was just too much for him to handle. He was too happy for words.

“ _I love you,_ ” he said, hiccupping. It was really amazing how he just became undone in front of Jae Shin, how he allowed him to see so much of him. “ _I love you,_ ”

The other laughed like an _asshole_ at the Gu Yong Ha in front of him. “I love you too,” he said in return, finding the words falling so easily from his mouth. “I love you too,”

“ _I love you so much,_ ” he said, tears still falling from his eyes.

He saw through teary eyes Jae Shin’s smile as he was busy wiping Yong Ha’s tear drenched face. “Yah,” he said laughing.

Before he knew it, Geol Oh leaned in and kissed him.

His lips were softer than he had imagined them to be, and a little bit chapped. Regardless, they seemed to make him _melt_ at their touch. His breath seemed to calm when their lips met, and it was just _heaven_.

It wasn’t like what he felt when he was kissing gisaengs as foreplay. The feeling that had bloomed inside his chest was so _warm_ , so soft and comfortable that he never wanted to stop. He let his tears stop and his eyes close to just savour it.

Jae Shin bit gingerly at his lower lip, seeming hesitant. It was amusing, really. He smiled against his mouth, parting his lips.

He let his hands creep up the other’s chest, settling themselves on Jae Shin’s neck. His fingers traced Jae Shin’s sharp jawline, the veins that were popping out in his neck, and the soft cheeks that he longed to touch.

He slightly pulled him closer, tongue tracing Jae Shin’s lips. He felt Jae Shin sigh at that, tilting his head a little bit more to the left, and open his mouth.

Oh _God_ , was the feel of Jae Shin’s tongue on his just _ecstasy_. He tasted Jae Shin, tongue peeking in to explore what he could without choking the other. He sighed of content.

The room was filled with their breaths, their sighs, their _noises_. If he paid attention just a bit more, he swore that he could hear the sound of his heart pounding against his chest.

Jae Shin’s hands were enclosing him in their embrace as he melted again Yong Ha’s tongue in his mouth. He cherished how _soft_ Yong Ha was. He dragged his hands up and down the other’s sides, memorizing his frame.

Soon enough, the kissing wasn’t enough for Yong Ha – the heat of the moment clouding his thoughts. He broke away from Jae Shin’s lips and began leaving a trail of kisses from the sharpest angle of the other’s jaw, all the way down to the base of his neck. He felt Jae Shin shiver at the chaste pecks.

He let his hands wander down to Jae Shin’s chest, feeling every crevice of the other’s abs. He could just die imagining them bare. With that thought, he bit Jae Shin’s neck. The gasp that came from Jae Shin’s mouth was one that sent his mind going places.

He felt Jae Shin’s hands go frantic against him, trying to pull him closer even though that wasn’t possible. Jae Shin tilted his head to the left, giving him more access to his neck.

Yong Ha then began his quest to mark all of the other’s neck pink and blue. He worked at each expanse of skin with fervor, giving freshly bitten skin a kittenish lick before sucking on it. He couldn’t help but stare at Jae Shin while doing so, as the man’s close eyes and parted lips were too beautiful to miss out on.

Soon, Jae Shin’s breaths became more laboured, the noises too loud. A little later than that, he felt an all too familiar heat pressing against his thigh.

“Mun Jae Shin,” he started, pressing his mouth to the shell of Geol Oh’s ear. The sigh he got in exchange was enough of an answer in his opinion.

Feeling a little braver, he let his hand travel lower than it already was. Once he reached the other’s v line, he chastely rubbed circles on the layered skin. “Are you aroused?”

Hearing the words escape his lips in a husky manner made the world stop. He saw Jae Shin flush more than he already was, eyes flickering from Yong Ha’s face to something along the left.

Pouting a little bit, he reached lower, finding the other’s cock. Even with that small brush, Geol Oh moaned, eyes closing. Yong Ha only noticed he was erect himself when he felt his own twitch.

“Do you want me,” he began, licking the back of the other’s ear. “To help you with it?”

He knew that this might be too straight-forward, too fast for them, but to hell with that at the moment. He palmed Jae Shin through the fabric of his clothes, hearing and seeing as his breath was hitching at the friction.

“Y-yes,” came Jae Shin’s belated reply.

With that, Yong Ha couldn’t help but comply. 

***

The heat of having his body pressed against Mun Jae Shin was a feeling that he would never trade for anything else.

Yong Ha heard his breath coming out of his mouth in faint whispers, his chest going up and down evenly. He had a hand wrapped around his waist, capturing him, keeping him trapped in the warm embrace. He couldn’t help but smile at the feeling.

He was pretty sure that they were noisy last night. He distinctly remembered the sound of the floorboards creeking, their laboured breaths and moans echoing off the walls, and them saying sickly sweet things too each other at each touch. His felt himself flush at the memory.

Though Jae Shin was a mere novice at the act, the way that he made Yong Ha feel was like no other. He recalled how his heart was sure to burst at the emotion that crept through his veins, how his mind was just utterly clouded and faulty at what to do aside from letting Jae Shin know how much he loved him.

He remembered that instead of pain, he felt so much relief, so much _warmth_ inside his chest.

Yong Ha felt himself smiling like an idiot at the memory, the corners of his lips almost touching his ears. He nuzzled closer to the other’s warmth, hand settled on the other’s back.

At the contact, he felt the other stir a bit. A grunt came through the other’s mouth, followed by some other unintelligible sounds before he finally opened his eyes.

To say the least, Yong Ha questioned the validity of the fact that the dork – Mun Jae Shin – was actually the Hong Byeok Seo.

***

The trip that lasted for a week seemed to have gone past slower than usual, and both Jae Shin and he were grateful for that.

They spent those days being so sweetly _disgusting_ with each other (as Jae Shin had pointed out), but then he knew that neither of them would have it any other way.

The day after Jae Shin confessed to him, he finally let out his flower – the magnolia. He couldn’t help but kiss Jae Shin a couple of thousand of times after seeing that flower.

His chest has never felt any lighter.

Even though he was sure that his whole house (maybe even just one helper) heard them having sex in the house, no one seemed to bring it up, not even his _father_. It was a mystery that he would yet solve, but he knew that he would be in big trouble if any one of them _had_ brought it up.

They came back to SungKyunKwan the day following, cherishing the last days of peace and quiet, seeing as the others would be coming back soon. They used the silence and the lack of people to their advantage, to say the least.

Seeing Sun Joon and Yoon Shik back was nice. They caught up with each other at the wine house, Yoon Shik talking animatedly about the sights they saw, and the activities that were there for them to enjoy.

Once the whole curriculum had started again, they were back to being the Jalgeum Quartet. The days passed just as he remembered. The never-ending stream of drama always aimed at them, shenanigans that got them in trouble, and recognition growing as a group of men who you can’t mess with.

He had forgotten how this had felt like. It was a welcome feeling to have it back in his life.

What he liked the most about the days with the four of them together, not one of them ailed or even hurting, was the fact that he could be happy again – actually happy.

He wasn’t aware of when he was certain, but he somehow got the feeling that Sun Joon and Yoon Shik knew that he and Geol Oh were together. Maybe it was through those knowling looks, the way they whispered together when they shared even the slightest bit of contact, or when they (at least Yoon Shik) giggles whenever they looked at each other for too long. Either way, to him it had become an unspoken truth.

Being an openly touchy person ever since entering SungKyunKwan, he would frequently wrap his arms around Jae Shin whenever and where ever without anyone batting an eye. Whenever he would get the chance, he would link their fingers or even just their pinkies together. He was beginning to notice that he was a naturally (physically) clingy person.

He knew that Jae Shin didn’t mind. Those small smiles and those small movements closer did enough to explain.

Life without those damned petals was something that he had desperately missed, and the freedom that he experienced in these days was incomparable.

These days, having Jae Shin look at him with so much warmth and _love_ – he could die happy.

 

\---

_fin_

 

**Author's Note:**

> please don't forget to leave ur thoughts and stuff if you can!
> 
> be harsh if you want to btw :)


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